Those of you that know me fairly well know that I adore making lists. I get a serious thrill out of it. In that light, here are “25 Cinematic Cliches I never wanna see again.” Enjoy!
25. That in period pieces, vintage cars are always freshly polished, painted, and clean. They never have scratches, dents or any signs of use.
24. Every time we’re introduced to a police precinct house, one or more colourfully dressed prostitutes are being brought in while bickering with their arresting officer.
23. Chinese food takeout in a movie always comes in those little white boxes, which I have never, in my life, seen chinese food arrive at my door in. I desperately want it to, but it never does.
22. If a bar or clubhouse has a pinball machine, it’s gonna get fucking trashed during a fight scene. (I’ve ALWAYS wanted my own pinball machine, so this one makes me wince)
21. That it’s only after the detective has been suspended (and obligatorily forced to place his badge and gun on the lieutenant’s desk) that he can properly crack the case.
20. That in war, only the enemy (usually the Viet Cong) were ever low-down enough to stoop to using booby traps.
19. People being chased by a car who run top speed down the middle of the street instead of simply ducking somewhere where a car can’t follow, which happens to be pretty much anywhere except the middle of the street.
18. Young gorgeous women constantly falling in love with men much, much older than they are. In other words: Fuck you Jack Nicholson and Clint Eastwood. 
17. Chess players are always always brilliant, charming, upper class people, while card players are always sneaky, foul mouthed, and prone to cheating.
16. When an innocent cough is always a symptom of terminal illness.
15. Women that never have enough sense to keep running while being chased by an enemy unless a guy is pulling her along by her hand or wrist — despite the fact that this takes them far below the speed either one could go on their own.
14. That somehow singing in a moving vehicle always makes something terrible happen.
13. If someone dies with their eyes open, someone will close them by effortlessly moving their hand over the deceased face — and they will remain tightly shut.
12. If our protagonist goes to a sporting event, no matter who he is, his face will always end up on the fucking jumbotron.
11. Women that don’t sweat during sex.
10. That every helicopter shutting down emits the chirp-chirp-chirp sound, in spite of the fact that only the Bell 47G (the chopper on MASH) actually makes this noise.
9. If a hero is divorced (and most are), that he’ll have some contact with his ex-wife who will still have strong feelings for him even if she’s remarried.
8. All computer keyboards or control panels have thousands of volts just underneath their surface, and their malfunctions are indicated by a puff of smoke and a cartoonish shower of sparks.
7. That Native Americans invariably have mystical knowledge that can obtusely predict the future, or have a fundamental understanding of all things in nature .
6. That when a phone line is broken unexpectedly, someone will always frantically press the phone cradle button and yell “Hello? HELLO!?” with an emphasis on the second hello.
5. A splash of cold water in face will render the most inebriated person stone cold sober in a faction of a second. I’ve tried it. It doesn’t work.
4. When someone yells “You never backed away from everything in your life, now fight!!” while giving someone CPR or working to resuscitate a stopped heart.
3. Girls are always instantly attractive to every male if they take off their glasses and/or let down their hair, never mind that they were totally gorgeous actresses failing to physically portray a nerd in the first place.
2. Children or retards that are wise beyond their years/capabilities and that humble the adults around them.
aaaand: (Drumroll)
1. Dogs who always know who is evil, and bark at them.
Categories: Screen
The Cultural Gutter 
right-on list, but in regards to #2, I bet you hated Slingblade.
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If someone dies with their eyes open, someone will close them by effortlessly moving their hand over the deceased face — and they will remain tightly shut.
I never understood this and figured it was just a part of “movie magic”. I assume that at one point, the actors actually pantomimed closing someone’s eyes, but how do you close the eyes OF A CORPSE? Especially if they have rigor mortis, as you hinted at. And yet, a corpse with opened eyes looks creepy (not to mention hard on the actor playing the corpse). Still, you’re right this one makes absolutly no sense and is just a trope that people have been repeating forever without really thinking about it. Incidentally, do you know the first movie that did this?
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Closing the eyes within the first few hours of death is easy because rigor mortis is not instant nor permanent. Otherwise they all seem bang on.
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#23!I’ve been desperate about it to!And I’ve been blaming the chinese restaurants in my country for not delivering the food in those tall white boxes…
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OK – How about spaceships that rumble in an absolute vacuum, or trucks with airbrakes that let go instead of locking up when the hoses are cut, or the fact that you can have a several minute chase scene between a 160mph car and a tour-bus, or a 60mph car and an 8mph person? Or computers that can be hacked into while turned off, or with the word “override”? Or – my personal biggest “movie decorum” peeve: “tracing a call” takes a minute – keep them talking while the guy with the ear-muffs turns dials…
Anyway – thanks for a great list – these are just my personal ones that came to mind reading yours…
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Good list, but I have a a quibble with #23: whenever I order Chinese take-out, it almost always comes in those little white boxes (especially rice and lo mein).
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“That when a phone line is broken unexpectedly, someone will always frantically press the phone cradle button and yell “Hello? HELLO!?” with an emphasis on the second hello.” – We all do it. The “hello” is just the first word that comes into people’s heads and is used to confirm the silence is not simply the other person ignoring them. And if the phone had just gone dead on you, do you not think you’d start to panic? (hence the emphasis on the second hello) – I know I’ve reacted this way myself. So I don’t think it really counts as a cliche.
“When someone yells “You never backed away from everything in your life, now fight!!” while giving someone CPR or working to resuscitate a stopped heart.” – also happens in real life. Not realistic in the sense that it’s not going to make a difference I know, but relatives do do it as they like to feel they are helping in some way, and not just watching their loved one die.
Hope these suggestions are considered. Overall good site though!
~Nicky
P.S. You missed off the common one about even in a pitch black room, it’s only ever navy blue. And that all duvet covers are L shaped so they cover a woman’s breasts but only come up to a man’s chest :p
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Capt_Poco, rigor mortis takes a few hours to set in while most of those eyelid movie moments occur right after someone dies. In any case, I think this was originally intended as a sort of symbollic end to a person’s life or the protagonist’s connection to them, but it got picked up by almost every movie since.
I want to see just the opposite. The protagonist should walk up to a dead relative or loved one, OPEN their eyes, and start poking them with their index finger while saying things like “Oh, I always wondered if they were really squishy or not.”
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In any scary movie that has a child in it, the evil spirit will communicate with that child… and for some reason it will make the child draw.
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My chinese food comes in those white boxes *shrug*
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As does mine. Chinese food, that is. In fact…hmmm…your life isn’t like this?
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A few more: 1) for some reason night time is always portrayed with blue light. 2) cars explode with the smallest damage (e.g. a bullet, a roll-over) 3) cigarettes can ignite a small stream of gasoline (yes, i tried it. didn’t work).
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How about when the killer is chasing his prey and no matter how fast they run he some how turns up in front of them, i hate that.
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Whenever their is a car chase in a movie they always include three obligatory elements,
1) A construction crew digging up the road with a big truck moving into the path of the pursuer and a worker with a stop sign who leaps out of the way.
2) A Restaurant’s table & chairs, an old guys fruit-stand and two guys carrying a big sheet of glass will all be on the sidewalk when the cars go off-road.
3) And finally a car will flip over after smashing into the back of a vehicle which just so happens to have a ramp fitted to the back of it. It does of course always land in a convienent pile of boxes and rubbish.
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Ive lived in both chicago and Newyork and atleast for me chinese food does come in thoes oragami-esque boxex or a normal foam box, but i never thought other cities didnt have them… actually now that i think of it they are quite common
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What about the obvious items left in conspicuous places to “let us know” they will be important.
Rven worse is that any man in a white tank top must be abusive or Italian, or both.
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For what it’s worth, the ones that really get to me are:
if the main male and female protaganists in the movie have sex, they will spend the next morning shopping at an outdoor market, feeding eaching other off stalls and laughing and sharing jokes with the market traders, this is followed by a walk along a river.
Cocaine is only ever snorted off a glass table so the camera can be positioned underneath looking up.
In every prison, apart from the white supremicists, black gang members and gay latinos there is always one old timer who has managed to keep a pet. (He’s also very unlilely to survive the movie)
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Lol, I get the chinese food in the white boxes! Now one you should have on there was in the horror movies when the girl ALWAYS runs upstairs to get away from their killer….who would seriously do that!? But all these are dead on good job!
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As far as #7 goes…..we do.
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i totally agree…here’s a few i think u missed:
-every person can be seduced into doing something they’re not supposed to do(ie. give valuable computer codes, etc.)
-when someone is being chased by something like a rock or runaway car, they NEVR move off to the side, they always run straight and in the way of the moving object
-the bad guys have more power
-the good guys save the bad guys at crucial moments…whereas the bad guys never take pity…stupid good guys…
-depending on the importance of the character, the fight that will invariably occur, will be different lengths…for example…the bodyguard? out in a matter of seconds…the real bad guy? could take forever…oy
-the good guys always do badly in the first part of a fight, but suddenly, they have the strength to beat up that 7000 lb. behemoth…and the good guy wins
-the chicks go for the nerdy guys…never in real life would that happen
-plans always, always, always go horribly wrong, but the hero can figger it out…why do they bother with plans?
-when someone says that it’s never been done before…or that no one’s returned alive…the hero always will
-when u hang up the phone, there is no dial tone…try it, i’m right…by hitting the phone cradel just disconnects the call…that always bothered me
i should start my own website…lol
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I always get annoyed when the team are sent off to destroy some bomb or save the world or whatever, and ONE of them has to sacrifice themselves for it. For once, it’d be nice if they team went off, saved the world, came back, the end!
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how about every computer is a mac ) lol
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I agree with you, mostly. But dogs really do know evil.
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another wud be in shooting scenes… the good guy for some reas can take out 7 guys while the bad guys cant touch him and if they can the good guy goes all bad ass and stands to the pain and continues his masacre
-me
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whenever they defuse a bomb it will stop on 00:01
in XXX wiv van diesel, there is always a jumo for him to use on a motorbike or something
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“1. Dogs who always know who is evil, and bark at them.”
Actually, my dog seems to have an instinct about people. He usually likes everyone, but every once in a while, he meets someone who he just can’t stand, and will bark his head off at them until they go away. I can count on one hand the number of times he’s done this, but each time, he’s been right o the money.
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get a real chinese restaurant.
i have hundreds of little white boxes with micro-handles containing oriental delights that were delivered to my abode. in fact, if you want them, im sure i could send you some. 🙂
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Any car parked at the curb that is driven off by one of the main characters, always makes the squealing tires sound.
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got another stupid one:
nearly all the bombs TIC TOC TIC TOC
if i would be a bad guy with the idea to bomb something/someone my bombs would make no sound, so it would be harder to find it.
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I passionately agree with #2. Normal children should act like children and not have vocabulary or poetic skills years beyond their age (unless the child is supposed to be unique of course).
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I love when they have to break into the Department of Defense computer network and it takes 30 seconds and the computer ALWAYS makes chirping and beeping sounds. Real high tech stuff.
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Or shcwarzeneggar/stallone/vin diesel/any other subpar actor can take a couple rounds in the chest and not only remain conscious but still draw a pretty nice bead on the group emptying their clips into him? and yeah the sound in space thing and three letter passwords for the most secure computers still running dos apparently
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Everywhere in the World or even in the Universe, everyone speaks English, even poorly. Natives who speak a poor English have nevertheless no problem understanding the hero, who speaks English at full speed with a heavy American accent. Foreigners, them being Russians, Germans, French or whatever, speak English to one another, but they do it with their native accent 🙂
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Linky, for a related commentary… (even mentions the chess and dogs things)
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Addendum to #8: Computers always go “biip” or “ding” with every keypress or running process.
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The only problem with this is that I know many Chinese takeout places that have the white boxes. Go to Tiki Port sometime in Sandwich, Massachusetts.
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If you are three days away from retirement then you are definitely dead.
People always take a sharp intake of breath and sit bolt upright when they wake from a nighmare.
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– No one locks their car doors.
– No one finishes a meal.
– No one says goodbye on the phone.
– The bad guys are nearly always British.
– At that vital moment, the gun always jams.
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Computers always make lots of beeping noises whenever they do anything.
Good guys will never just shoot the bad guys in the head or anything quick and evil like that. Usually the good guys aren’t even at fault. The bad guys, if they die at all, will always die from their own mistake (after a long fight with the main good guy) whose gruesome details will not be shown. Examples: Taking a long fall, being crushed in a big machine.
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People complain about this stuff all the time, but it’s silly. Movies aren’t supposed to be real life. No one could be as unlucky as Bruce Willis in the Die Hard series – “accidentally” caught up in big terrorist plots not once, but three times. But who would want to watch a movie about an ordinary cop – giving tickets, interviewing idiots, filling out forms?
Sure, all of those things are cliches, but most of them serve as a kind of movie shorthand. Nobody in the movie says “goodbye” before hanging up the phone – both parties just know the conversation’s over. Bad guys (used to) wear black hats (now they use PCs) and good guys wear white ones (or use Macs). It’s art, not reality. Get over it.
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Maybe its a west coast thing, cause my chinese take out or delivery is almost always in those white boxes. Now they have the ones without the wire so you can microwave ’em, sweet. Though if you do order something unusual or extra large portion you get the round pie tin with crimped foiled paper lid.
Now only once have i gotten the rare and mystical red ornate soup container that you often see in movies. Usually a square bottom with a round top and a push down lid; “Chinese” red with lots of gold scroll work. One after another I got, “heyyyy, what did you get?! I’ve never gotten one those containers,” with all the self-doubt you’re imagining. Finally I marched before everyone and held it high and announced I was the choosen one and would be receiving a tithe of all their entrees.
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Computer mice apparently do not exist in Hollywood. You could be enhancing some surveillance photo (also laughable) in Photoshop, but you gotta use the keyboard to do it.
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You missed a big one!
In a fight scene the good guy almost gets beaten but then by some miracle ends up kicking the bad guys ass.
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I hate when the police are in a gunfight, they always step away from the car shielding them, and get shot. Also, when you have the main character being shot at by 20 gunmen, they all miss, and he picks them off easily while running and diving.
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Let me add a few:
-The villain always lectures the hero just prior to killing him, this of course gives the hero that edge he needs in order to react and kill the villain instead.
-When at the mercy of a henchman the hero will be saved by a friend or friendly circumstance. After all heros are also quite lucky.
-English speakers in all fictional historical pieces speak with a perfect British accent, even people that did not at first speak english.
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RE: #23 I get Chinese delivered in those little white boxes all the time…
Other than that, great list!
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“23. Chinese food takeout in a movie always comes in those little white boxes, which I have never, in my life, seen chinese food arrive at my door in. I desperately want it to, but it never does.”
I’ve only seen Chinese take-out that wasn’t in those boxes one time. And I lik e Chinese…
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What about the infamous “Enhance” function on all computers that lets you see the fingerprints on the desk in the night-vision image taken by the security camera?
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What about people swimming, sometimes in the Ocean (salt water), normally at *night*, with their eyes open, able to see every detail, contour, and event of whatever plane or ship they crashed in.
Also the absurdity of being able to hold their breath for minutes at a time with lots of physically demanding activity. Fighting, pulling someone free of something. All the while releasing a seemingly infinite amount of bubbles.
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in new york, we actually get those white boxes with our chinese food, they are quite handy.
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